I'll bring home the turkey

9:47PM

9:21PM - oooh, oh i could die!

the waspy new york sociopath who looks like soren kierkegaard
gave me strep throat.
and if he ever runs for political office in a state where i'm a resident
you can bet he won't get my vote.
he played my keyboard better than me
even though he insisted he just started playing four months ago.
he said he liked my story
but i don't think he read it!
i don't really like him,
no i think i just like him 'cause he's mean,
and he's got a nerdy star wars t-shirt.
and a cute side-smile, but every sociopath has one of those.
he told me his last name was smith and i didn't believe him,
can't fool me,
but when he said i was pretty i ate it right up!
SMITH! ha.
i'm an idiot.
i am in a train headed straight for the edge of  a cliff but i refuse to jump out!

9:31PM - i am never happy when i'm happy

honey, you'd like me much better if you were an artist. my cruelty would be justified then. it'd be material; it'd be pure inspiration. it wouldn't be a waste of your time, not just a drain on your sanity, not just intangible confusion. it'd be a song, it'd be a story, it'd be a masterpiece. i'd be doing you a favor. you'd thank me for making you hurt. you'd keep me around longer than would be good for either of us and you'd get a whole album out of me. you'd wring me out and yourself too and you'd get a six-hundred and seventy-three page novel out of the drippings. you'd sink right into that place inside you where it hurts the worst and then every inch of your bedroom walls would be covered by your framed works of art.

but, baby, you're not an artist. And that means I'm not worth all this, am I?

i'm an artist, baby. you know that. but you're still so good to me. you're too good to me. and there's only so much i can do with good, with happy. you don't give me hurt, no sad or confused or inspired. and so i can't create. and neither can you because you just don't know how. and that's where we are.

honey, i'd like you much better if i weren't an artist.

1:42PM

thanks for ruining one of my favorite songs, asshole.

8:04PM - didn't i make you feel, like you were the only man

well. sittin here laughing at myself, not quite sure why. getting a whole new meaning from janis joplin songs. wondering if i'm bat crazy by anybody else's standards, or just my own. thinking maybe i'll start smoking more or wearing red lipstick or drinking more coffee. growing my hair so long i look twice at myself in the mirror. becoming less and less tame and more and more careless by the minute. wanting to fucking EXIST more. i mean, i live, yeah, but to exist people gotta know you're there and lately i am so goddamn forgettable. i'm changing that, one shade of lipstick and one inch of hair at a time.

i don't need a guy to inspire me! i don't owe guys a thank you or an apology because i was able to create pretty things out of their stupid existence!

i won fifty bucks in a lit magazine's fiction contest for a story i wrote about galen.

6:30PM

about to go to a killers concert with a boy i like! i'm nervous!

9:02PM - well, hey, guess i'm not alone.

Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else,
doing something we wanted to,
'Cause all this living makes me wanna do,
is die because I can't live with you,
and you don't even care.
Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else,
with courage in love and war.
I use to think that's what I was,
but now this lying hurts too much,
and I don't know what for.

I'm weak in the knees for you,
but I'll stand if you want me to.
My legs are strong and I'll move on,
but honey I'm weak, in the knees.

Would you mind if I walked over and I kissed your face,
in front of all your friends.
Would you mind if I got drunk and said,
I wanna take you home to bed,
Oh would you change your mind?

I'm weak in the knees for you,
but I'll stand if you want me to.
My legs are strong, and I'll move on,
but honey I'm weak, in the knees, for you

1:08PM

i kissed a man named cash last night. number eighty, mmmm.

11:02AM - dude holy shit!

someone posted a missed connection for me! i remember having a close run-in with a biker yesterday on the way to get alex from the airport.

You almost killed me! - m4w (I-25 Erie exit)

You started pulling off the ramp turning east as I was coming over the bridge on my motorcycle, and nearly killed me! You were talking on your cell phone driving your Mustang as you started to turn. I forgive you though, because you were completely hot and worth giving a 2nd chance. Next time, you owe me.

1:17AM - drunk

i just kung fu chucked him to timbuckyuuu

2:44PM - i have big news

but i need to tell you all on the phone, since that's the second best thing to in person. thing is, i don't know when you guys have time to talk. everyone's so busy! anyway, tell me exactly when you have a free block of time and i will call then.

5:59PM - i insist that you all listen to painted walls

myspace.com/dutchhammer

2:09AM

k, i love this song. i don't care it's good. and yeah the a note is monotonous but it's pretty,

i want him shit shot shit
i want a piano now

2:03AM - shitbirds

i macked a guy but i want doucheypanysss

also, morganmanor? wtf?  saw her and we were besties.

3:58PM - this is the room one afternoon i knew i could love you

so tonight i am hanging out with the guy i kissed saturday night (his name is arlen). i remember thinking he was absolutely gorgeous, but i was pretty plastered, so we'll see. problem: he probably wants to hang out because he thinks i'm easy. i mean, what girl who isn't a total slut kisses a guy she met five minutes ago at an in n out? me! but there's no harm in kissing! anyway, i'm not gonna do anything with him past kissing, i hope that isn't a terrible disappointment.

blahhh and i can't stop thinking about things i shouldn't think about because they just make me sad and confused.

6:17PM - what about the girl with loneliness

what about the days when we used to talk

2:13AM - JESUS.

these boys. not him.

11:39AM

i'm all packed and ready to gooooo. now i just have to sit around and wait for my wednesday night final to come around and then leave thursday! woooo! i cannot wait to see you guys again and have over three weeks to party down at home.

9:46AM - I AM GOING OFF THE PILL

fuck this. i am going to be normal again.

11:09PM - Decemba

My first kiss was soft, and it was pure, and it was cold

It happened in the wintertime when I was barely eighteen years old

It was the melting of a snowflake upon my naked tongue

And ever since he kissed me, I have never felt so young

He seemed to be infinite, for though he disappeared so swiftly

He’d always come back again and again, I assumed because he missed me

He’d land his kiss upon my lashes, my shoulders, and my cheeks

I’d feel his chill on frosty days throughout the winter weeks

As months went by, he kissed me much less often than before

I’d sit outside and stare at the sky, waiting for the kisses I’d grown to adore

But spring approached with its sunbeams, and all its flowers blooming,

Brought smiles to many faces, and brought me grief so consuming

I saw lovers in the green grass, cried at the sun’s warmth on my skin

I didn’t want the sun to touch me; they say adultery is a sin

While the rest of the world was dancing and laughing and kissing without a care

I knew they could never know the true meaning of when love is in the air.